Nuclear-proof limousines ordered from Vietnam for Samdec Hun Xen and his family

A pamphlet from the nuke-proof limousine advises owners against riding with the roof down.

April 01, 2010
Ho Chi Ming Liberation Press (HLP)

HLP learned from reliable source that the nuclear energy pact recently signed by the US and the Socialist Republic of Vietnam was in fact a smokescreen to transfer US armored limousine technology to Vietnam. However, this is no ordinary technology: it is to build a nuclear-proof limousine that could protect the lives of even the most despicable dictators in the world.

The Saigon Giai Phong news agency, an arm of the Vietnamese communist party in Ho Chi Minh city, revealed on Wednesday that the first customer lined up to buy this marvel of lifesaving technology is no other than Samdec Akko Moha Sena Batt Dey Dec Cho Hun Xen, the illustrious prime minister of Cambodia. At 4AM this morning, Cambodia’s prime minister dispatched Ong Phay Siphan, the spokesman of the Council of Ministers, to line up in front of the deserted office of the NoNuke IzgoodNuke Company to ensure that the limousine orders will be the very first orders received by the newly formed company. According to a street sweeper who was curious to see Ong Phay Siphan standing alone in the early rainy morning and who asked him what he was doing there, Samdec Hun Xen told his spokesman to ensure that six nuke-proof limousines are ordered. It was believed that Samdec Hun Xen intended to order seven limousines originally, one for each member of his family, but changed his mind to six because he remembered that he had disowned his adopted daughter who dared proclaim that she was a lesbian.

Pamphlets obtained from the NoNuke IzgoodNuke Company revealed that the Vietnamese-made limousine has a 30-centimeter-thick titanium plated roof that is so strong that even a BM-21 rocket cannot pierce through or cause any real damage. The limousine windows are made of US-grade glass that will withstand a direct hit from a rocket-propelled grenade – such as the M-79 preferred by the Thai insurgents – and its wheels automatically turn into caterpillar tracks when going over rough terrain –such as the road to Preah Vihear – the pamphlet boasted.

Officials at the NoNuke IzgoodNuke factory where Samdec Hun Xen’s limousines will be assembled were so confident in the level of safety provided by the vehicle that they brought a prototype to test in Cambodia’s Kampong Chhnang province in early March. Under the pretext of testing Cambodia’s BM-21 rocket launchers, Samdec Hun Xen was placed in the prototype limousine which was well hidden under camouflage while 200 projectiles made a direct hit on this marvel of US-borrowed technology.

During the entire testing procedure, Samdec Hun Xen was in constant and direct contact with Samdec Mè Bun Rany Hun Xen who was closely monitoring the situation for fear a mishap could befall on her beloved Samdec husband. At the end of the test, after all the reporters were cleared out of the testing site, a group of NoNuke IzgoodNuke engineers went to check on Samdec Hun Xen in the prototype limousine. Somewhat shaken and smoky – not from the rocket explosions but from the many packs of cigarettes he smoked – Samdec was found safe and sound.

An official from the NoNuke IzgoodNuke Company noted that the limousine's occupants could survive a small nuclear attack, but only if the wind was blowing in a certain direction. He declined to elaborate, saying reporters would be allowed to ask Samdec Hun Xen questions on 01 April 2011 when the limousines will be delivered.

The Cambodia Weekly and The Phnom Penh Outpost reported that General Chea Dara, the RCAF 4-golden-star and a darling of the CPP, boasted to a group of karaoke ladies at a Phnom Penh karaoke parlor that, from now on, any attempt to bomb Samdec Hun Xen from US planes used by the Thai Air Force is worthless. “We win! We win! We win!” the general was heard dancing and singing. Meanwhile, an old woman begging outside the window of the karaoke parlor was heard mumbling: “We lost! We lost! We lost! We were recently evicted from our house, please have mercy on us,” she was heard saying while begging.

Additional report by Jean-Cul Peugeot from Ho Chi Ming city.