Kim Jong-Un Privately Doubting He's Crazy Enough To Run North Korea
December 18, 2011 | ISSUE 46•44
The ONION
A frustrated, Am-I-kew-kew-enough? Kim Jong-ugh!PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—In surprisingly candid remarks today following his father's death, Kim Jong-un, heir apparent to North Korea's highest government post, expressed doubt that he was sufficiently out of his mind to succeed longtime dictator Kim Jong-il.
While emphasizing that he was definitely completely insane and would likely become even more so as leader of North Korea, the younger Kim nevertheless wondered if he could ever be enough of a lunatic to truly replace the most unhinged dictator on the planet.
"Obviously, I know I was handpicked because I'm super crazy," said Kim, the youngest of the late 69-year-old dictator's four known children. "But my father was just so great at what he did. Did you know the people of North Korea heard his voice exactly once, for like five seconds? How nuts is that? Honestly, I look at stuff like that and I think, 'Wow, there's just no way I can ever top Dad.'"
"We're talking about a world-class nutjob here," he added.
Kim told reporters that since emerging as the presumptive next-in-line to lead North Korea, he had spent countless hours trying to come up with his own brand of craziness that would honor the tradition set forth by his father and grandfather, Kim Il-sung, but would also set him apart. After discovering that many of his best ideas had already been taken by his father—including making citizens bow toward wall-sized portraits of himself or claiming to be a demigod whose moods directly influence the weather—Kim admitted he had grown frustrated.
"At this point, I'm not sure what's left for me to do, really," he said. "I mean, according to the Ministry of Information, Dad hit 11 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf. I'm dead serious. Dad had never even picked up a golf club before, and he hit 38 under par. Where am I supposed to go from there? I guess I can say I ran a marathon in 20 minutes, but isn't that pretty much the same thing?"
"It is the same thing, isn't it?" Kim added. "Ugh."
Kim, who in his rare public appearances wears a plain dark suit, said he ultimately hoped to cultivate an eccentric, yet vaguely sinister look as iconic as his father's pompadour, drab parka, and sunglasses, perhaps something "even nuttier" involving canes, a large yellow raincoat, or possibly a motorized scooter.
Other ideas Kim has had for proving his insanity include placing anyone shorter than himself under permanent house arrest, issuing a new national currency every 90 days, normalizing relations with South Korea, and replacing all medicines with synthetic replications of his own saliva.
"Of course, I have to be careful not to come off as too crazy, because then it would just feel forced and no one would buy it," said Kim, noting that he was working on some slogans that North Korean schoolchildren would be forced to chant three times daily. "Then again, maybe having it come off as forced would make me seem even crazier, because what kind of a maniac would go to such lengths to outdo his father? Right? Or is that just a cop-out?"
Although Kim's birthday is already recognized as a national holiday and any criticism of him is punishable by indefinite sentences in re-education camps, Kim suggested that the stress of living up to his father's insanity has already taken a toll.
"For years, I haven't even enjoyed the things I used to love, like forcing starving people to perform a five-hour dance routine in my honor, because I spend the whole time obsessing over whether I'm being wacko enough," Kim admitted. "That's what was so special about Dad, you know: He never worried about all that stuff, he just acted like himself. What can I say? The old man set the loony bar pretty high."
Added Kim, "God, I'm really going to miss him, you know?"
13 comments:
Hey, Jong-un, you can say you were born under two stars, rather than one star like your dad, who thinks he's the Korean baby Jesus. Or you can say, instead of 3 Magi, there were 4 aliens bearing you gifts. Have you contacted the Burmese generals? Maybe they can help.
Jong-un can claim that he had intercourse with 80 virgins all at once, in one session and they all became pregnant all at the same time. That would make his father and grand father scream in hell.
He can also claim that he can fly and fight like ninjas or he can speak 180 different languages fluently or he can go to heaven or hell at will or he can shoot 90 cannons all at once or he has a
10- incher which can satisfy any North Koren women including his father's mistreses.
He can claim that he got a 4-star general status without having to fire a single shot, have billions of dollars without having to work a single day, own a few nuclear weapons without having the knowledge to know what it is, and married to 100's of beautiful Korean women without having the look like Fabio. Unfortunately, these claims are all true.
This guy has a very ugly face like a roasted pig.
But remember, he is the pig that the US like him very much to be the leader in N.Korea.
Why ? He is so stupid so the US can TAME him like a wild pig.
North Korean builds its own nuclear arsenals and its 20 millions plus people are earning per capita close to India. Before the senior Kim Jong Ill died, China help to reform the North's new EZZ between the two nations. North Korea is not starving and the economy is stable. They are intelligence people just like its sibling in the South, if not smarter!!! Khmer must stop loud mouth about other but focus on its own internal affairs and the risk of their country's demise of colonize by its neighbor country.
10:361 GO LICK YOUR MOTHER BACK TO hANOI!
KI MEDIA is anti-anything except for scam rainsy.
the author of this post is well deserved a title of " completely unhinged blogger ofthe year!"
the post actually made the dictator of north korea somehow less unhinged...
11:52! But stupid!
bad picture
He was a good Christian
FUCK YOU 10;36PM. DO YOU WANT TO CHALLENGE WITH THE U/S ?
NORTH KOREAN LEADERS THE MOTHER FUCKERS.
I have been there in the 80's and went to visit Kim Il Sung at his palace with my King.
The people are poor but the dictators are very rich, BILLIONNAIRES.....
5:46 AM, You are dreaming ah pler!
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