[Korea’s Multicultural Future_ Seventh in a series] The burden of fulfilling traditional roles is leading women to seek intercultural relationships
‘I was upset about Korean men making chauvinistic remarks, that women are supposed to be coy ... I have never heard the foreigners I’ve dated say such things.’
May 04, 2010
Joong Ang Daily (South Korea)
Koo Hee-ok, a 29-year-old office worker in Sydney, has been in a relationship with the Australian man she met there a year ago, and the couple plans to tie the knot in the next two years.
Born and educated in Seoul, Koo went to the Land Down Under to get her master’s degree in accounting in her late 20s and then got a job at a local firm. She did not consider marriage before meeting the man she now considers her life mate. She had a few Korean boyfriends in her early 20s, and dated some Korean men in Sydney as well. But she could not help feeling repulsed by what she described as their “typical way of thinking.”
“I was upset about Korean men making chauvinistic remarks, that women are supposed to be coy and kind and that it’s even better if [a potential marriage partner] is younger, pretty and knows how to cook,” she said via e-mail. “ I have never heard the foreigners I’ve dated say such things.”
The men she is talking about sound as though they are straight from the dark ages. But there is still a considerable portion of Korean men, even those in their 20s and 30s, who think that way, according to the Korean bachelorettes interviewed for this article. Many of these women - who have lived overseas, are well-educated and have good jobs - have opted to find husbands among non-Koreans, who they think are more open-minded and respectful of women than their Korean counterparts.
Kim, who works at a domestic publishing firm and asked not to be named, also belongs to that group of women. The 32-year-old Kim recently became engaged to a European man who is an executive at a Seoul-based financial company. She says she is happier than ever with her fiance, but her confession of the relationship to her parents last year aroused fierce opposition from them because her boyfriend is a foreigner and therefore not a suitable match in their eyes. Her parents, both from Gyeongsang, one of the most conservative regions in the nation, went so far as to kick her out of their house because she refused to break up with her boyfriend. Her parents think it is a huge disgrace for the family “to mix blood.”
Kim says she doesn’t feel remorse about her decision to move in with her boyfriend before the wedding - an action still considered taboo in this society, where marriage is the only legitimate grounds for a man and a woman to live together.
“I had almost 200 blind dates with Korean men that were arranged by my parents. Most of them were elites - such as doctors, prosecutors, lawyers - from rich and distinguished families,” said Kim, who spent a year at a university in the United States to polish her English through a study abroad program when she was in college in Seoul. “But I was never willing to have second dates because the prospect of marrying them suffocated me.”
She cited the strict in-law system that is unique to Korea. Although Korean society has undergone drastic social and economic changes in tandem with modernization, the marriage system has changed the least, she claims.
“My married female friends are struggling under the immense burden of juggling work and household affairs,” she said. “Although husbands nowadays try to help, the duties of child care and making food for routine ancestral rites and family gatherings still belong to the ‘daughters-in-law.’ I don’t want to push myself into that trouble.”
Instead of rebelling against the prevailing traditional family system in Korea like many eligible bachelorettes do today, Kim turned her attention to foreign men, trying to give herself as many chances as possible to meet them. She attended various social gatherings and registered herself with a flurry of dating and social-networking Web sites a few years ago. She met her fiance through one of them last year.
Intercultural marriage is no longer considered foreign to Koreans, as an explosive number of Korean men have found spouses who are from other Asian countries over the past decade. The social phenomenon occurred amidst a rising reluctance among Korean women to marry into rural, lower-income families, regardless of their own social status.
According to the state-run Statistics Korea, the number of Korean men who married women from outside the country more than tripled to 25,142 between 2000 and 2009. China had the highest number of women who married Korean men, at 11,364, trailed by Vietnam and the Philippines, while the number of women from Cambodia jumped from one to 851, and the number from Nepal has surged 158 times in the same period.
Korea has long taken pride in being a “homogeneous” nation. In the post-war period between the 1950s and 1970s, Korean women who married the U.S. soldiers dispatched here were held in contempt. But the country now seems to be embracing the rapidly rising number of immigrant wives, becoming radically generous about men choosing foreign wives.
The number of Korean women wedding foreigners has also surged in the same nine-year period. The number of marriages between Korean women and foreign men doubled to 8,158. China and Japan accounted for the biggest proportion of men married to Korean women, at 2,617 and 2,422, respectively. Next came the United States at 1,312, Canada at 332, Britain at 166, New Zealand at 159 and Germany at 110. Four of those are countries in which English is the primary language.
James Lee, founder and CEO of Sunoo, one Korea’s largest matchmaking services, said that the increase in the number of Korean women marrying foreign men is largely due to globalization and increased access to education for women.
“First, [Korean women] have gained a larger number of chances to make contact with foreigners,” he said. “Second, professional women with a higher education have acquired greater autonomy in choosing their marriage partner.”
These trends are more apparent with women characterized as “Gold Misses” due to the shrinking number of eligible bachelors available to them, he added.
A “Gold Miss” is defined in Korea as a single woman in her 30s who is well-educated, has a high income and a good job.
In Korea, the traditional rule that husbands are supposed to be older than their wives is more strictly abided by than in other countries.
Han also belongs to the new tribe of women. The 32-year-old, who works at a domestic PR firm, met her German boyfriend, who is six years her junior, in New York last year and the two have maintained a long-distance relationship. He is a student at a business school in New York.
“I never dated a foreign guy before him,” Han said. “But I was surprised to find that the things my previous boyfriends considered as shortcomings - my strong opinions about social issues and level of exposure to the arts, such as the opera and visual arts - are highly appreciated by my new boyfriend.”
Regarding the age gap, neither she nor her boyfriend care, she added.
Chung, a 34-year-old who is a candidate for a Ph.D. in economics at a university in Washington, D.C., admits that her opportunities to meet eligible Korean bachelors have visibly diminished as she has gotten older.
“Korean men in my age group here prefer dating and marrying women in their mid to late 20s. Besides, a lot of the men I’ve met here seem to have fears about dating women who are as smart as or smarter than they are,” said Chung, who grew up in both Indonesia and Korea and has spent the past decade studying in the U.S. capital. “Until recently, I preferred Koreans as candidates for marriage, but I have come to think that foreigners are less biased against a woman’s age and education level. Why not date them if we can love and understand each other better?” she said.
Last year, she started dating a longtime friend, a Dutch man who is also a Ph.D. student. Although the couple has yet to discuss marriage, her parents are open to the possibility of her daughter marrying a foreigner, Chung said.
But the culture gap is an issue that is hard for some couples to ignore.
Park, who also requested not to be named for this piece, married a Korean man she had met while finishing her Ph.D. in North Carolina last year. Having spent her childhood in various countries, the 34-year-old, who once worked at the United Nations, speaks Korean, English and French fluently. But despite her language proficiency, she did not consider an international marriage an option.
“Having lived abroad for a sizable portion of my life, I realized cultural and language barriers are harder to overcome. Uneasy relationships with in-laws and patriarchal husbands are universal, I think, albeit with varying degrees,” she said. “I’m comfortable with my Korean husband.”
Chung would agree. The things about her intercultural relationship that make her uncomfortable include not being able to share her favorite foods - she is worried about how her boyfriend will react to the unfamiliar smell of doenjang jjigae (traditional Korean soybean paste soup) - and seeing both her boyfriend and her Korean friends have difficulty communicating.
But she is realistic about her relationship with her European boyfriend.
“It won’t be easy to live with a person from a different culture. There will be a good deal of room for compromise for both of us - from where to live to which culture our children will follow,” she said. “As a person with a foreign boyfriend, I wouldn’t say intercultural marriage is necessarily a better option, because it entails as much of a headache as a marriage with a Korean man would. But I believe the demands of marriage go beyond culture.”
By Seo Ji-eun [spring@joongang.co.kr]
‘I was upset about Korean men making chauvinistic remarks, that women are supposed to be coy ... I have never heard the foreigners I’ve dated say such things.’
May 04, 2010
Joong Ang Daily (South Korea)
Koo Hee-ok, a 29-year-old office worker in Sydney, has been in a relationship with the Australian man she met there a year ago, and the couple plans to tie the knot in the next two years.
Born and educated in Seoul, Koo went to the Land Down Under to get her master’s degree in accounting in her late 20s and then got a job at a local firm. She did not consider marriage before meeting the man she now considers her life mate. She had a few Korean boyfriends in her early 20s, and dated some Korean men in Sydney as well. But she could not help feeling repulsed by what she described as their “typical way of thinking.”
“I was upset about Korean men making chauvinistic remarks, that women are supposed to be coy and kind and that it’s even better if [a potential marriage partner] is younger, pretty and knows how to cook,” she said via e-mail. “ I have never heard the foreigners I’ve dated say such things.”
The men she is talking about sound as though they are straight from the dark ages. But there is still a considerable portion of Korean men, even those in their 20s and 30s, who think that way, according to the Korean bachelorettes interviewed for this article. Many of these women - who have lived overseas, are well-educated and have good jobs - have opted to find husbands among non-Koreans, who they think are more open-minded and respectful of women than their Korean counterparts.
Kim, who works at a domestic publishing firm and asked not to be named, also belongs to that group of women. The 32-year-old Kim recently became engaged to a European man who is an executive at a Seoul-based financial company. She says she is happier than ever with her fiance, but her confession of the relationship to her parents last year aroused fierce opposition from them because her boyfriend is a foreigner and therefore not a suitable match in their eyes. Her parents, both from Gyeongsang, one of the most conservative regions in the nation, went so far as to kick her out of their house because she refused to break up with her boyfriend. Her parents think it is a huge disgrace for the family “to mix blood.”
Kim says she doesn’t feel remorse about her decision to move in with her boyfriend before the wedding - an action still considered taboo in this society, where marriage is the only legitimate grounds for a man and a woman to live together.
“I had almost 200 blind dates with Korean men that were arranged by my parents. Most of them were elites - such as doctors, prosecutors, lawyers - from rich and distinguished families,” said Kim, who spent a year at a university in the United States to polish her English through a study abroad program when she was in college in Seoul. “But I was never willing to have second dates because the prospect of marrying them suffocated me.”
She cited the strict in-law system that is unique to Korea. Although Korean society has undergone drastic social and economic changes in tandem with modernization, the marriage system has changed the least, she claims.
“My married female friends are struggling under the immense burden of juggling work and household affairs,” she said. “Although husbands nowadays try to help, the duties of child care and making food for routine ancestral rites and family gatherings still belong to the ‘daughters-in-law.’ I don’t want to push myself into that trouble.”
Instead of rebelling against the prevailing traditional family system in Korea like many eligible bachelorettes do today, Kim turned her attention to foreign men, trying to give herself as many chances as possible to meet them. She attended various social gatherings and registered herself with a flurry of dating and social-networking Web sites a few years ago. She met her fiance through one of them last year.
Intercultural marriage is no longer considered foreign to Koreans, as an explosive number of Korean men have found spouses who are from other Asian countries over the past decade. The social phenomenon occurred amidst a rising reluctance among Korean women to marry into rural, lower-income families, regardless of their own social status.
According to the state-run Statistics Korea, the number of Korean men who married women from outside the country more than tripled to 25,142 between 2000 and 2009. China had the highest number of women who married Korean men, at 11,364, trailed by Vietnam and the Philippines, while the number of women from Cambodia jumped from one to 851, and the number from Nepal has surged 158 times in the same period.
Korea has long taken pride in being a “homogeneous” nation. In the post-war period between the 1950s and 1970s, Korean women who married the U.S. soldiers dispatched here were held in contempt. But the country now seems to be embracing the rapidly rising number of immigrant wives, becoming radically generous about men choosing foreign wives.
The number of Korean women wedding foreigners has also surged in the same nine-year period. The number of marriages between Korean women and foreign men doubled to 8,158. China and Japan accounted for the biggest proportion of men married to Korean women, at 2,617 and 2,422, respectively. Next came the United States at 1,312, Canada at 332, Britain at 166, New Zealand at 159 and Germany at 110. Four of those are countries in which English is the primary language.
James Lee, founder and CEO of Sunoo, one Korea’s largest matchmaking services, said that the increase in the number of Korean women marrying foreign men is largely due to globalization and increased access to education for women.
“First, [Korean women] have gained a larger number of chances to make contact with foreigners,” he said. “Second, professional women with a higher education have acquired greater autonomy in choosing their marriage partner.”
These trends are more apparent with women characterized as “Gold Misses” due to the shrinking number of eligible bachelors available to them, he added.
A “Gold Miss” is defined in Korea as a single woman in her 30s who is well-educated, has a high income and a good job.
In Korea, the traditional rule that husbands are supposed to be older than their wives is more strictly abided by than in other countries.
Han also belongs to the new tribe of women. The 32-year-old, who works at a domestic PR firm, met her German boyfriend, who is six years her junior, in New York last year and the two have maintained a long-distance relationship. He is a student at a business school in New York.
“I never dated a foreign guy before him,” Han said. “But I was surprised to find that the things my previous boyfriends considered as shortcomings - my strong opinions about social issues and level of exposure to the arts, such as the opera and visual arts - are highly appreciated by my new boyfriend.”
Regarding the age gap, neither she nor her boyfriend care, she added.
Chung, a 34-year-old who is a candidate for a Ph.D. in economics at a university in Washington, D.C., admits that her opportunities to meet eligible Korean bachelors have visibly diminished as she has gotten older.
“Korean men in my age group here prefer dating and marrying women in their mid to late 20s. Besides, a lot of the men I’ve met here seem to have fears about dating women who are as smart as or smarter than they are,” said Chung, who grew up in both Indonesia and Korea and has spent the past decade studying in the U.S. capital. “Until recently, I preferred Koreans as candidates for marriage, but I have come to think that foreigners are less biased against a woman’s age and education level. Why not date them if we can love and understand each other better?” she said.
Last year, she started dating a longtime friend, a Dutch man who is also a Ph.D. student. Although the couple has yet to discuss marriage, her parents are open to the possibility of her daughter marrying a foreigner, Chung said.
But the culture gap is an issue that is hard for some couples to ignore.
Park, who also requested not to be named for this piece, married a Korean man she had met while finishing her Ph.D. in North Carolina last year. Having spent her childhood in various countries, the 34-year-old, who once worked at the United Nations, speaks Korean, English and French fluently. But despite her language proficiency, she did not consider an international marriage an option.
“Having lived abroad for a sizable portion of my life, I realized cultural and language barriers are harder to overcome. Uneasy relationships with in-laws and patriarchal husbands are universal, I think, albeit with varying degrees,” she said. “I’m comfortable with my Korean husband.”
Chung would agree. The things about her intercultural relationship that make her uncomfortable include not being able to share her favorite foods - she is worried about how her boyfriend will react to the unfamiliar smell of doenjang jjigae (traditional Korean soybean paste soup) - and seeing both her boyfriend and her Korean friends have difficulty communicating.
But she is realistic about her relationship with her European boyfriend.
“It won’t be easy to live with a person from a different culture. There will be a good deal of room for compromise for both of us - from where to live to which culture our children will follow,” she said. “As a person with a foreign boyfriend, I wouldn’t say intercultural marriage is necessarily a better option, because it entails as much of a headache as a marriage with a Korean man would. But I believe the demands of marriage go beyond culture.”
By Seo Ji-eun [spring@joongang.co.kr]
28 comments:
There is no place like home. K.gov't needs to promote our own nature and cultural value rather than promoting inter-relationship between the east or the west outside the norm. Survey has shown that nothing is better than to feel to belong. Aust
Khmer men - better shap up...and have to know how to tread your own women. Otherwise, Khmer women who are well educate will take foreign men instead!
Question to Khmer men(suppose to be well educate)...don't you think that you have the responsibility to continue and protect your gen pool of Khmer and maintain Khmer culture? Only Khmer women know how to maintain Khmer culture!
This Korean woman is brainwashed by the white men world including white male movie stars. She wants Korean man to cook for her...That is rediculous. I feel sad that all of pretty Asian women reject Asian men (their own kind). The white women defintely do not like Asian men. We Asian men are in trouble. There should be a law banning white men marrying pretty Asian women.
When a khmer man married a khmer woman, he behaves like a king.
When a khmer man married a western woman, he behaves like a slave.
i believe the word "foreign men" referred to by the these Korean Gold Misses are only to white guys! Foreign = white
Some of the Khmer women I know who married white (European) men here in U.S, are treated like queens. They cook, clean and do chores. While the husbands are busy doing chores, my Khmer women friends would go off shopping. Oh! don't get me wrong! these white men earn good living and so do Khmer women. All in all, I give 5 stars to these white men. They are romantic and know how to treat their women. I wish all Khmer men would learn from these white men. For Khmer women in Cambodia, do not marry Korean men. If you can't married Khmer men, you must marry white men. Believe me, they know how to treat their women.
white men rock!
many feel they need to belong in their adopted country. by marying a white man, they feel like they are one of the hollywood goddesses.
the sad things is, some not so attractive asian women had to mary some old gross, white, fat sobs so that they could also show off to their people...pathetic.
The young asian men are catching up some how by getting education and wealth, and eventually, respect...
It doesn't matter what ethnicity you marry as long as you're happy and that your partner treats you with love and respect. However, I would NEVER marry a Khmer man here in Cambodia. Majority of these men are egoistic and still live in the medieval time. A lot still regard women as their possession or inferior to them. These husbands here don't know what the word "family" is. Nor do they know what "quality time" means. It's true that these Khmer men should learn how to treat their women like the men in the WEST.
I have a questions why are Khmer people likes to married another races. It doesn't looks good at all. Stick it with your own kind is better. I hardly seen any Muslim people and India women are married with another races like Khmer people did. thinks further b4 you do it.
I just wanna to let some of the Khmer women know. Those White and Hispanish people they're getting older faster than Asian men. Plus they're looks older then these ages. And these skins is look very ringle and very shaky. I had experiences alots with those White bitch and Hispanish bitch too.
Kun Khmer in USA
It doesn't matter what color man you are marrying with as long as you both happy. If Khmer men don't want foreigners to take away your female, you need to get your act together or else you can not blame them. Ass hole come in different shapes and sizes; therefore, we need to look deeper than the skin color.
Khmer man in the US
Wrong debate, wrong compareason.
Khmer women in Cambodia marriage Korean men to resolve their ECONOMICAL problem.
Khmer women in rich marriage Korean men by love.
Korean women in Nord Korean would also marriage Korean men to resolve their ECONOMICAL problem.
Korean women in Australia don't like any men who think like Korean men.
21st centurary marriage for the educate one is no longer depend on economics need. Except the New Khmer elite in Phnom Penh will make their children to marry among their own clan (most of the time the son will go a long), but he has a lovers on the side. The wife know that...but she continue to let these aaassssssssshole do it because they afraid of their parents.
True love is hard to find...but when its comes, it will congure all (not event the tradition)...I am still waiting for that one...just need to say my preference is still Khmer men (but if they are not being faceful stay a way, otherwise...you will pay a havey price)....
Khmer women from US
Motherfuckers! are you stupid or your parents never teach you to think?
Poor Canbodian girls have no choice but to marry to escape poverty greate by ah Kwack Hun Xen corruption!
Can you motherfuckers think or need lightning to strike your forehead like ah Taiyhoung Hik Landy?
There is no such thing as true love and people believing in that because they had been watching too much movies. People stay together because they are comfortable with each other by not getting piss off after seeing each other every day. If you want to be happy with your marriage, you need to treat your spouse as you want to be treated. The problem is that people always seeing grasses greener on the other side and starting to compare with their partner which they should have done that before they tied the knot. Women should stop watching too much movies because that what really mess them up thinking what love should be. Actuality, love is give and take, and it works both way.
Khmer man USA
3:34pm, who cares if the Whites or Hispanics get older than Asian men. That doesn't mean other parts of the body age faster as well.LOL That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard.
If u don't want other race to take your women, u should learn a few things from them as well. Khmer women go for other race cuz they tend to treat us with more love and respect.
To Khmer men in the US...I don't know what kind of Khmer women that you are talking about. Because most of Khmer women I know...don't have time to watch movies. Just bearly have enough time to sleep for 8/hrs per day. They work, study, and take care their family at the same time. And I don't event watch Khmer movie, but I still believe in true love...not because of movie, but because I believe it so...Because when you love, to want to give and take the person and never want any take anything in return. But the problems with Khmer men...is that when the women give...they mistaken that the woman is being weak...so they keep on taking until nothing more to take....Indeed it is a pity for Khmer men in the US do know the difference ...
Anyway,
Why Khmer women and Asian women love to marry white men? White men have a big hot dog and they're lasting long where Asian or Khmer men can not perform. We're 4 cylinder car whereas white is 8 cylinder.
Women love to have a big hot dog and they don't like small chinese sausage.
When women married to white men, they have their attitude and don't want to associate with Khmer men. Most of them convert to Christian where they forget about their root and their ancestors.
Go for the big hot dog and that's your choice.
Don't say We, the men, don't know how to take care of you, but you don't know how to take care of your men.
In the US or other part of the world, Khmer women will marry Khmer men if he is doctoral students. Her family and she will chase that doctoral student for marry, but if the guy has no good education. Forget about it.
In early 1980 If you're a mailman, you will be having a good chance to ask the girl to marry you.
In 1990, You need to have BS degree (boss shit)
In 2000, You need to have MS degree (more shit)
In 2010, You need to have PhD or MD degree to marry their children to some families only.
Poor Khmer men in the USA. Khmer girls in the USA nowaday are looking for white guys.
White guy has big banana and white women has big red apple.
Khmer in US
A neighbor of mine married a white guy and she gets treated like an immigrant by her in-laws. They don't see her as part of their family at all. She's crying all the time.
I also know a Khmer woman who married a white military man. He referred to her as Vietcong. She cook and clean for him like a slave. One morning she was found outside with a bar of soap stuff in her mouth. A Khmer man can mistreat a Khmer woman but a white man will mistreat a khmer woman like she is a SLAVE with hatred.
that's true. if you found true love and are happy with your mate, it does not matter what color is his or her skin...
if a girl wants big bananas, she can always go and sleep around. if a guy wants a good pair of apples and the color of them, he can also spend a bit of money to sample and taste them.
biologically, big euro people do look older than the asian ones when they reach certain age - same with the men and women. plus, many are pretty hairy.
When you care about someone, it does not matter where that person is from. The reason there are so many people of different ethnicity together is because in the U.S. everyone is from some where else. But we are all the same and equal here.
I married a "white" man and he treat me very well. Every morning he tell I am beautiful and he also very helpful in the house work. We both have good in come and work very hard. We take care each other.
When you care about someone, it does not matter where that person is from. The reason there are so many people of different ethnicity together is because in the U.S. everyone is from some where else. But we are all the same and equal here.
I married a "white" man and he treat me very well. Every morning he tell I am beautiful and he also very helpful in the house work. We both have good in come and work very hard. We take care each other.
it is always an intimate affair of a couple. no one can ever be perfect to the eyes of strangers.
Just - remember when you have true love- nobody can keep a way from each others. Not distant, not social class, ad not event parents! Thus, this is what I had done with my husband...and eventualy the family and friends will come around!....One advise to all Khmer women...no matter how nice your parents in-law are, just do't live in te same lot. They have very bad influence with their son...and that a problems with the daughter-law (I am in the breaking point..whtere I should live my husband because of his parent). Than I will leave becuase I don't want to stay with the in-law. my complication is the guilty feeling of being a Khmer women to walk out from the family/....any suggestion from my blogging friends...Kh in the US
The rule of the thumb is "NEVER MARRY A MAMA'S BOY!!" And never live in the same house or same lot with your in-laws. They are poison. They will corrupt your man's mind. Especially here in Cambodia. If u want to live a peaceful life, see your in-laws less.
The more you see your in-law, the more anger you become. The less you see your in-law - the more happy you will become with your family. If you can see them one-every-ten years - you will be more happy to love your in-law!!!!!!!!!
Long live in-law out of the lot!
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