Phnom Penh Post, Issue 16 / 24, November 30 – December 13, 2007There are different types and degrees of love. There is the universal love we have for society and mankind (humanity); there is love we have for our friends (amity); there is love we have for our parents, siblings and relatives (familial); there is romantic love which is jealous and possessive as it should be; and for those of us who hold religious beliefs, there is perfect, unconditional love (agape love of God).
We know love is fundamental to survival, as one study tells us of a twin raised separately-the one raised without love died quickly and grimly, the other nurtured by love lived on in health.
We find everyone in every nation in every language singing about love; love is truly what makes the world go round.
Romantic love: Arranged marriages
Here, I am interested in focusing on one of the loves-romantic love, particularly on the rapid changes of Cambodian culture on one expression of romantic love, arranged marriages. As we know, culture is not static. It changes with time and the needs driving society.
I find sublime beauty behind the ideal of bringing two people together into a union based not on external love or appearance (more commonly known as lust), but rather an internal love that burns with the passage of time. Herein exists complete safety, for love casts out all fear. I have witnessed the wonderful working of this arrangement in the relationships of my aunts and uncles.
But notice it is the 'ideal' of arranged marriages that I admire. This custom suits a society where the parents of the couple know each other's background because of the close-knit community they live in. There is truth in the rebuttable presumption that the parents know best.
However, that assumption resonates but faintly in a situation where the individual's world is no longer limited by village life but extends to life away from the parents. The greater the experiences of the parents and the children diverge, the less convincing is the argument for arranged marriages.
Moreover, the ethereal ideal of arranged marriages is more likely than not tainted by practical calculations, for we are after all rational beings. The arranged union of two individuals can and often does turn into business deals. My maternal grandfather Kuy shrewdly broke off an engagement for my father when a richer, well-established suitor came along.
Additionally, in an arranged marriage, the dowry given by man is often viewed as a bride price. This in turn establishes a mentality of property that can lead to abuse of the woman, either physically or emotionally whereby the man engages in profligacy.
My dear, dear family. I believe now they have given up all hope of ever arranging anything for me. But only after I have had to suffer an earful many times over their fear of me evolving into an old maid, kramome chah.
"A woman is like a flower," so begins their parable. "She blooms and many choice men are attracted toward her like many bees are attracted to a flower. But then the flower wilts; so too a woman. Men desire youth. If you wait too long, you will no longer be desirable. You don't want to settle."
Alright. My aunts did not exactly use an original metaphor for I am certain other daughters across the myriad of cultures have heard similar doomed prognosis.
Correspondingly, I am frequently asked the qualities I look for in a man. But I believe this is the wrong question to ask. I can list all the traits in the world, but my listing them has little power to affect or alter another's character.
I find it more instructive to ask instead: what are the qualities I want to develop within myself? In preparation for a future mate. In preparation for life in general. Here, I possess the power to affect the change.
Love actually, love universally
But let us come back and frame the example above of romantic love within the larger context of the universal elements and definition of love and what it means for the development of our society. For if love is so fundamental, so universal, and necessary for survival, does it not make perfect sense that we should do everything as a society to foster and encourage love? If we are to look around in current Cambodian society, are we?
Let us be reminded of what love looks like:
And now I will show you the most excellent way.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
(I Corinthians 13, the Holy Bible)
Theary C. SENG
Executive Director
Past columns can be found at www.csdcambodia.org
We know love is fundamental to survival, as one study tells us of a twin raised separately-the one raised without love died quickly and grimly, the other nurtured by love lived on in health.
We find everyone in every nation in every language singing about love; love is truly what makes the world go round.
Romantic love: Arranged marriages
Here, I am interested in focusing on one of the loves-romantic love, particularly on the rapid changes of Cambodian culture on one expression of romantic love, arranged marriages. As we know, culture is not static. It changes with time and the needs driving society.
I find sublime beauty behind the ideal of bringing two people together into a union based not on external love or appearance (more commonly known as lust), but rather an internal love that burns with the passage of time. Herein exists complete safety, for love casts out all fear. I have witnessed the wonderful working of this arrangement in the relationships of my aunts and uncles.
But notice it is the 'ideal' of arranged marriages that I admire. This custom suits a society where the parents of the couple know each other's background because of the close-knit community they live in. There is truth in the rebuttable presumption that the parents know best.
However, that assumption resonates but faintly in a situation where the individual's world is no longer limited by village life but extends to life away from the parents. The greater the experiences of the parents and the children diverge, the less convincing is the argument for arranged marriages.
Moreover, the ethereal ideal of arranged marriages is more likely than not tainted by practical calculations, for we are after all rational beings. The arranged union of two individuals can and often does turn into business deals. My maternal grandfather Kuy shrewdly broke off an engagement for my father when a richer, well-established suitor came along.
Additionally, in an arranged marriage, the dowry given by man is often viewed as a bride price. This in turn establishes a mentality of property that can lead to abuse of the woman, either physically or emotionally whereby the man engages in profligacy.
My dear, dear family. I believe now they have given up all hope of ever arranging anything for me. But only after I have had to suffer an earful many times over their fear of me evolving into an old maid, kramome chah.
"A woman is like a flower," so begins their parable. "She blooms and many choice men are attracted toward her like many bees are attracted to a flower. But then the flower wilts; so too a woman. Men desire youth. If you wait too long, you will no longer be desirable. You don't want to settle."
Alright. My aunts did not exactly use an original metaphor for I am certain other daughters across the myriad of cultures have heard similar doomed prognosis.
Correspondingly, I am frequently asked the qualities I look for in a man. But I believe this is the wrong question to ask. I can list all the traits in the world, but my listing them has little power to affect or alter another's character.
I find it more instructive to ask instead: what are the qualities I want to develop within myself? In preparation for a future mate. In preparation for life in general. Here, I possess the power to affect the change.
Love actually, love universally
But let us come back and frame the example above of romantic love within the larger context of the universal elements and definition of love and what it means for the development of our society. For if love is so fundamental, so universal, and necessary for survival, does it not make perfect sense that we should do everything as a society to foster and encourage love? If we are to look around in current Cambodian society, are we?
Let us be reminded of what love looks like:
And now I will show you the most excellent way.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
(I Corinthians 13, the Holy Bible)
Theary C. SENG
Executive Director
Past columns can be found at www.csdcambodia.org
45 comments:
I seem to like the comments and views in the articles written by Theary but her picture does a bit of irritation to me. It appears like she is advertising herself for a partner or something since she is still "single". Theary, if you read this, please take it into consideration if your intention was not like how I see it.
To 1:32PM!
I disagree with you! People advertise about themselves subconsciously or consciously all the time including you! It is a fact that the way people dress, the way people walk, and the way people talk are all designed to attract the opposite sex!
I do believe in a philosophy that if people are dedicated to look for love and they will find love but if people don't look for love and they will never find love! I also believe that love can exist beyond the physical beauty because as people get older and the only thing that is left is the memory! Yes! People can fall in love with beautiful memory too!
Theary, you are thinking too deep and looking too far to find love and a lot of time love is looking right at you but you refuse to accept it!
By the way, I am still single and the reason I chose to be single for now because sometime I find love is more complex than politic especially when close and extended family member get involve! I just wish that love is less complicated and yet so meaningful fill with beautiful memory!
KI clients, you people may think that the beauty might be in the eye of the holder, but the undisputable and irrefutable fact is that "Ugly" is "Ugly."
Anti-KI Clients!
MOI
MOI please turn around and bend over and let me kick your arse!
4:04 PM:
Not a problem at all!
I can certainly be more than happy to turn around, but I don't like to bend over -- I have a bad back--to have you and the rest KI clients kissed my ass.
Anti-KI Clients!
MOI
But.......
You and the rest of KI clients need to taste my shit in the exchange for have my ass kicked.
It's fair game!
Anti-KI Clients!
MOI
It doesn't matter and your arse will be kicked!
Nah not me.I don't want my feet get dirty or infected.
MOI = MULTIPLICITY OF INFECTION.
A6,
NO idea Theary is still singular.
She is caught in niak kror minn hian niak minn chaul
Be a nun,then men will bow to you.
6:14 PM:
Mr. Bun Heang will gladly take her for a free ride if she promises him not to carry a dried-in pen.
Anti-KI clients
MOI
MOI, the CPP's mercenary/Bullshitter sucks big time!
28 years of commitment and still going even stronger. From nothing (ZIP 0) in our pockets (no wedding party and no friends to bear witnesses, just two of us) to living comfortable life, whereever we want to go and spend.
Theary.S
Love is a mutual respect, best friend, strong bond and commitment and honest/sincer.
stop all craps already about LOVE is beauty and bla bla..... you will become yeuy jee
just stick with the basic principle. if a woman is ugly, she won get picked/dated by a man.
if a man is poor, he won't get to date with a HOT CHick.
Again: Beauty might be on the eye of the KI clients' eye as the beholder, but it's undisputable and irrefutable fact that "Ugly" is "Ugly."
MOI
The heart of the kindness will studies how to answers.But the mouth of wicked pours forth bad thing
But I believe LOVE is very IMPORTANT to all kind of people.
I love my country.
I love my parents.
I love my children,I think it's good thing.
12:09 AM:
And I love myself!
Oh! Remember: There are three kinds of people you never trust in this world: 1)KI Clients 2) The Weatherman 3) Your spouse.
MOI
MOI,
Be nice to others if really love yourself.Leave Theary be,she is a good person.
12:46 AM:
Anyone who is a member of KI clients are subject to humiliation -- that goes to you as well. These KI clients do not deserve an inch of our mercy or respect from anyone from us.
We do not like anyne who wants to destroy their own country.
MOI
I did said all kind of people, Not one kind of people "LOVE".
MOI (Master of Idiots)
it is your fucking responsibility that Cambodia is still a dirt poor lowlife nation. Cambodian people elected you to serve Cambodian Country, and defend Cambodian interests. What have you fucking done so far?
All your fucking idiots cares about is your own arse/pocket. while Cambodian live in dirt poor lives, you, the corrupted insane idiots, live in a luxurious five stars with lemo and bodyguards.
why do you need bodyguards for? it only tell that your government under ah kvack leaderhsip can't protect the population. therefore, each citizen, including you, needs to protect its own arse. where do you get the $$ from to hire those bodyguard anyway?
what kind of leadership is that? What kind of humans are you, CPP?
MOI,who's us? U & ..s
Were you abused or your mother abandoned you as a child or something?
Don't like KI then invite yourself out.
Sadly indeed
My friend nothing last forever,but I still my nations.
My friend nothing last forever, But I still love my nations.( that what i mean)
I decided to create a special
e-mail address; especially for all KI clients who are fearless will balls of steel to drop me your ideas and suggestions on how to improve our country’s economy for our next generation.
Of course CPP members are always welcome.
Here’s my address:
moicpp2008@yahoo.com
CPP 2008!
Anti-KI clients,
MOI
MOI,
That desperate huh,no friend to talk with?
To MOI!
I ain't falling into your trap by e-mail you anything! You want to compete with KI-Media? Ahhahhahah!
To e-mail you is to expose one identity and no can do! So you want to be the hunter of the so called KI-Clients? Think again bozo and you will be the hunted!
I rather have a big fight on KI-Media then have fight with you through your sissy e-mail because there is no incentive!
I thought this will serve as
a catalyst for change.
MOI
All of the KI clients are the people of idealess and clueless.
You have nothing to debate, except your frustration and anger.
MOI
Perhaps some of the KI clients' need to be washed with soap for that profanity that's coming out from that stinking mouth.
The truth of the matter is you will never have a plausible debate or discussion here,because these people have problems with their mouth. That's why I decided to treat them like dirt.
MOI
Dear Theary,
I am appreciate with your LOVE reflection. I cannot fathom how an old maid or krom chah view about love? and I cannot understand how woman view about LOVE?
However, LOVE is not complicate, it is simple and don't need to refer to scripture or Bible.
If you read Buddhist's scripture (Tipitaka), there are eight commonalities of universal truth: loss & gain, love & hate, praise & blame, honored & dishonored. These two-peered phenomena are interdependent and recycling. Especially, love always comes along with hate as well as hate comes a long with love.
That why someone defined LOVE as:
L=Lake of Sorrows
O=Ocean of Tears
V=Valley of Deaths
E=End of Lives
Someone is hunting love, some one is running away from love, someone is tearing in love union, someone is happy living alone. And the purpose of life is to reserve goodness as much as possible, not to hunt for love. This goodness doesn't depend on God or any superstition, but it solely depends on our own intention and developing a rich sense of social good.
Otherwise, someone defined love as:
L=Loyalty
O=Omnipotent, omniscience and omnipresent of human heart
V=Voice of honesty and compassion
E=Employing social services
So, don't think hard about love, think it simple. Love can be achieved by making and giving love from the bottom of our heart. Arranged or not arranged married is conditionally, love is man-made, not God-made. To live a fullest life means to develop our love purely originated in the bottom of our heart.
Be realistic, love is in present and in the moment of our daily life.
Chhum Makara
Anonymous said...
12:46 AM:
Anyone who is a member of KI clients are subject to humiliation -- that goes to you as well. These KI clients do not deserve an inch of our mercy or respect from anyone from us.
We do not like anyne who wants to destroy their own country.
MOI
There he is MOI. You are a member of the KI client. Idiot. You my lonely friend is destroying your own country. You are attacking your own people on here, and on a KI forum.
All the interlectual stuff he has been writing on here is a fake. Dude had all the time to word it out. And when pushed to limit, this is the response you get.
LOL
Now MOI is trying to serve a purpose after all his comments he made on here. He insulted all members on here, now a change of heart. He has never worked for any NGO`S or any from of Humanitary work for cambodia. Now he decide to start one. Any Ideas anyone? Any to help this lonely fool? Just trying to pleased his superiors. Anyone? No? No Takers? Wow your off to a wrong start. Heres a start, try not to think your smarter than other people. Rather, let them speak their minds and listen.
That my lonely friend is my contribution to your cause.
The first I might add.
KI-Media should install anti-virus against MOI. We have seen these blindful comments again and again on the every page. You look smart, but when you talk too much, your words meaningless. We are sick tired to see your shameless comments again and again.
Humanity is extremely complex organism. Dr. Phils, Dr. Ruth, and others have talked shows, but they only superficially touch on a certain subjects. They themselved don't grasp the philosophical yearning of Love. What is it? Nobody knows! A person might be able to coin a word or phrase to soothe the Soul or at least satisfy an individual's needs.
In the end, no-one understands! I signed off now by saying, "What is done out of Love always occurs beyond Good and Evil. Nietzche."
Mss. Seng you are a killful novel writer, but your article doesn't fit in this Webpage. This is a political forum only not romantic one. When I was in youthful time, I like to write and express my ideas like you too but now too late. When I read this article, I already know the author's age and status even I don't see your picture or your name. I appreciate your contribution to this webside, but I have no comment on your opinions when you get older, get married, and have children, your view about all kind of these loves will change too. I don't have to tell you; you will go through these life experience by yourself.
Thanks,
i don't understand why people have to get into other's business? whatever the motive might be...it's nothing of your business. grow up!
MOI (Masturbation On Ice)
MOI is a she. She's mine, and mine only!
6:58,
she's a social commentator whose articles appear in the phnom penh post.
she comments on any topic that affect society. so this is just one of the subject she chose to write about.
the admin of ki-media chose to post it here.
sop "sopheap" ty
DO NOT respond to MOI comments. Everyone needs to apply an Extinction principle here, a negative feedback, and in order to bend the Toddler behaviors one needs to Ignored/Timed out.
Restraint/Refraint from Reinforcing his behavior!
hahahaha you crack me hard, 10:41 AM
MOI (Masturbation On Ice)
Ah moi said she loves only herself and may be she screws herself too. MOI(Masturbating On Ice) is soo fitting.
Dear Theary
It is good to see that you have put across your ideas regarding LOVE as it has changed by perceptive value.Word itself is never changed, but its interpretation varies from time to time, place to place based on cultural acceptance.
TUM / TEAV was once an inspirational by Cambodian society in 60's and 70's.Trust and commitment of both young lovers pursuit and sacrifice of self love, determined to bond the two to become one emotionally and psychologically.LOVE is a sacrifice in order to share, care and understand.
As it is just been said, loving someone is understanding one's personality, feelings,emotions, not just physical properties but psychological and intellectual ones.Once these discovered and desired as khmer called it PONLORK SNAEHA, then SHARE urges to initiate for a compatible bond is now and then promoted a tolerance, simply say that' give and take'is formed.As LOVE progresses, a deep root of CARE starts to transform.From now, there are adjustments continues for both to meet psychological and financial needs to face a challenge dealing with any circumstances arise, for mutual, desirable goal.
Trust and acceptance are the key leverages, to many who have achieved long lasting love. Hardship that a couple have faced and challenged, create resilience for further challence in life.
It is interesting for the fact that man and woman are born and raised from different world.No racial or cultural barrier, once they both understand one another, relationship can progress and continues to grow.In the past, people used to be restricted by travelling not to be able to learn to get used to the differences, thus parents and elders encourage within same race or of extended family for the reason of family support, hoping the best for new couple.
Indian and some other culture believe arranged marriage is ideal, by providing ongoing family support to ensure couple gets to know and understand one another.Sometimes perception of dowry is mistaken rather than expression of gratitude.
However whatever circumstance LOVE may experienced, understanding is initial process before true meaning can be encountered.
In contrast, Lust is only physical attraction where is inspired by desire.It is emtional feeling compratively to a running race for which it will never last forever.
Romantic love is truely only fanticied, only moment that we all crave for like craving for chocolate which in fact is not good to health for a long run.Now and then, in affordeable world people adds some spices to life for comfort and encouragement.
After all, LOVE comes from within, love yourself of promoting health and intellect; and then share LOVE with other in a human way as it is a lasting energy.
Neang SA
Well said, 6:36; however, I like to add that we (human) have came a long long way from being wild where romantic love was dictated from the chemical reaction in our brain. We don't know anything about commitment. We'll change partner each time a new person causing a chemical reaction in our brain. Our kids had no value to us.... .
But now we are civilized where romantic love is something that we control instead of it controlling us from our brain. We made commitment and sacrifices for the sake of our children and their future generation which is the survival of our race.
No culture is perfect, but so far ours had the least divorces, least pain for our children, and the survival of our race is beyond any horizon.
Therefore, if someone can do better with new idea or change to eliminate divorce completely to better our race, by all mean, I am for it.
"No culture is perfect, but so far ours had the least divorces, least pain for our children, and the survival of our race is beyond any horizon." I begged the differ, 10:09PM. Don't be so biased!
I want you to think about what you are saying. IT IS GOOD TO PUT YOUR CULTURE IN A PEDESTAL. BUT, KHMERS' RACE ARE FAR FROM PERFECT. I asked you, "what is marriage?, or why does one gets marry?" Gain social status; support system; race propagation, right?
When a husband has another mistress(es), a women often gets abused (physically, emotionally, and/or verbally). Does she not felt the pain of suffering? Is it Society expectation to have these women to endure pain in order to maintain the low Divorce Rate? The way Khmer race is going right now, we will be ASSIMILATE, AND WILL BE A MINORITY IN OUR MOTHERLAND!
Hey, come on, dude. I said, "No culture is perfect" and that is included Khmer culture, but nonetheless, most of our children were raised by both parent, and you can't put us down just because a few of our guys have mistress/es. Keep in mind that mistress is a global thing not just in Cambodia.
Anyhow, the bottom line is can you improved our culture in this area? if so, tell us about it.
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